Jen_nY’s

It was fun. Do not look down on those Extra (actor). They are kind of PRO too. Without them, the acts looks plain or not complete. Don’t you think so? Yeah~ Almost all of us went to be Extra (actor) yesterday for our TV PSA. It was boring in the start because people are coming late & we have no direction what we gonna do there. Went to take our quick breakfast & continue chit chatting for few hours. At last, those “important” people reached. Setting up those necessary things. Then, it is show time! Well, the first scene not hard at all because all of us just do what we usually did. Being background for not even more than 2seconds? But took few times for that. Wao~ It is hard for those who have to act to scold others. Throwing papers on others face. Ehem… We are not that “violent” people la…Luckily the shooting doesn’t have scripts & the audio will be edited out to put music. Second scene, another scolding scene but no Extra needed. It is very funny when see the main actors have to hold their breathe to never laugh in those scolding scene. Doesn’t know what to say, everything just coming out spontaneously, throwing files, hitting table, etc. Take 1, speak Cantonese, Take 2, speak Mandarin, Take 3, English & continued. Those NG shoots was xD. We laugh hardly the moment after the director said “cut”. Took a lunch break after the shot. Continue with another shot with many Extras on it. This was interesting too. In few seconds time, the people have to carry their table and chair in & out to get this shot done. It is hard to move in table & chair in few seconds time in the same time act like trying very hard to do the exam paper but she was PRO Extra! Salute her when all of us watching the preview! Really like nothing happen & it is like she is there from the beginning lol~ It was raining after we took that. We have no choice but to ask permission in another block to complete our indoor shooting. Smoothly moved there & again there is no need for the Extras but it is really REALLY…. We have to hold really hard when observing those main actor in this scene. Compared to others, this scene was the most hilarious! Without scripts again, they have to act like arguing with each others. OMG, you know what the actor said? ” Cannot say ABC! Why not ABE?” Something like that. The moment when the director said “cut”, we cannot hold it anymore. Laugh like mad! LOL~~~ Scolded the actor while laughing really hard, asked him never said those funny “ABC” anymore! Ok, proceed to take 2 because the actress unconsciously laugh a bit. =__=ll Again he said something funny. Not “ABC”. Even not understand what he mean by “Cannot like this one! Gold color look like what?” Something like that. Fully co-operate with his acting, the others act like they understand & completed the shot. Wao~ It is really good take! Perfect only by second take! But still took 1more take for backup. The moment the camera on roll for take 2, to avoid from laughing, we covered our mouth, some of us run far from the camera,  I even knocked with another person’s head because both of us accidentally move to the same direction while holding over mouth with the hands (laughing)! xD Those looked like easy & short scene but took whole day to do it. When they going to proceed the next shot at the previous location, it was late already. I asked permission to leave early. I don’t realize anything wrong until my friend pointed it out. She said my dear looked angry the moment I said I gonna leave early but I never realize about that at all. Even I’m not bothered by this because I don’t think she is that kind of “small gas” person to be angry with this small matter, I still choose to ask her whether she is angry of me or not? Well, of course as I’m expected, she is not. If my friend never pointed it out, I don’t even think it is a problem that I’m leaving early. They don’t even need too much of Extras for the last scene. I’m not being negative thinking to ask this but sometimes we need to ask to know the answer better than guessing, right? If the answer came out to be not so good, I have choice to choose not to bother or face it. This is small matter that I can face. Just apology but the problem I have for another issues? Emm..that was a big one that I can’t accept it yet by face to face. But I’m ready to listen or debate through another channel? Maybe by MSN?

Why everyone are thinking that I’m always doing things with half-hearted? It is not necessary to report everything that I have done, right? No matter how hard I tried people still think that I’m fooling around, giving excuses, blaming others or etc? Not just homework, exams, works or any task given, people felt that I’m not working hard enough for those. After many years I have been working so hard on the task given, you know what is the feedback I get? “Actually, I have been wanted to ask you something for so many years. Did you use your heart to do your work?”. Yup. My heart have broken to pieces that I could not imagine. Luckily, it not happened face to face. I’m even glad that she asked me that. I’ve thrown many bad words to her about myself spontaneously and continuously because I felt that I’m so terrible until she need to ask me that. Of course I’m giving my best using my heart & soul to do that! It will affects me too (I will do the best too even it is not affecting me)! I don’t dare to ask not even dare to give a hint about this matter anymore. Maybe I just don’t dare to face what another or more heartbreaking feedback I will get later. Bear with me a little bit more & you will never see my damn face anymore. I’m sure you can forget me fast. I don’t even felt that I’m exist. I’m trying. I said, “I’m trying!”. How many times you need me to tell you that? I’m not being lazy there and trying to make fun of myself! Did you know how much I tried at home? I am practicing! Tried my best to catch up with you guys. Please be a bit more patient with me. Its really pain, really really pain on my legs and waist. I can’t bear the pain until there were few large drops of water hanging on my eyes but I’m still acting cool and laughing along in front of you guys because I know there is no time to train others and there is no other people that is free for that. Everyone are busy with their own task. Quietly observing everything around me, not dreaming, not imagining, not complaining…..my existent is just a burden. I’m totally transparent in front of crowd or even just few people. Be strong! Be tough! Don’t care about others! Don’t mind about them! You are so fine even you are alone! That is what I have always told myself.  If you felt that I’m mentioning you, please don’t be offended. Don’t mind what I have wrote here. I just need to release my feelings here. Bursting here enable me to drop those tears that I have been hold for so long for myself. I doesn’t want to scare my family too because they have not seeing me cry since long. The last time my dad see me cried? More than 5 years? My mom? Nah, about the same if not included that time she bring me to a psychology doctor & don’t know why I have cried 2hours for nothing. I just couldn’t help it & dropped tonnes of water when she just asked “What is the problem you facing?”. Loneliness? Tempers? Emotions? I don’t really know. Change? Is those problems coming out solely because of me?

Why am I angry? Do you believe this kind of people actually exist? Tell people around him that he is super busy & so many things waiting him to do like there will be few hundred million up down because of him. Actually, in fact, it is his own fault things end up like that! Yes, I agreed that you have “something” that can make you to be very successful but for your information you have misused your “abilities” if you not even trust one people around you! Everything you want to participate even just like the matter of cleaning your office toilet? How can you have enough time to do others more important thing? Correct, you must monitor the works that others do to make sure everything is going fine. Hey, come on, human make mistakes & you cannot runaway from being one of them too. It is fine to do a random check on those small things not thoroughly check. If you want to thoroughly check then do yourself. No need hired others to do for you. Its a waste of money & time! I really don’t understand, why you have such good charisma on give advice to other people, however…..you just talk but never apply. Then, how will you success? Tell me? Give you example, you said, “Time is Money”. I’m totally agreed! Respect! But…..did you utilize your golden word in your life? Ok, I help you to answer. NOPE! NEVER! NO WAY! Being late is one of your routine, culture, etc (Too long to be listed out). Well, this is not the only problem you have. I have been wondered, what kind of things you put on your head? Jobs? Money? Family? or just the matter of someone you hired to clean your toilet but he/she not doing it too well because you saw some stain on the bowl? MY GOD! You are kidding me, right? Even the smallest brain in the world will not have this low memory ability like you! It is fine for human to forgot what he said or others said to him often but this is really outrageous! Forgetting the things that he had said by himself & I have double confirmed, oh no, it is triple confirmed. Guess what? He denied it. “Impossible! I will never said those!”. This is the most ****ing part I hate. Yup, this is not the first time. Its killing me! I respect him because he is the elder but WTH with this attitude? You are older doesn’t mean that you are always right! People are changing & yet you are too stubborn to catch up. Sometimes the younger will have better thoughts on something. Give some freedom to others to do something. It might come out with a better result that you ever imagine. At last, things are settled. Time & money are wasted. Fu~ Stick with the plan. Having a gathering with old friends! Yeah~ This is the reason of me being happy today. Grab my dear (Who have been disappeared for 3years) from KTM, take my Baby at my house and we are heading to the destination. Although there is just 6 of us show up, I can tell, it was fun to meet up with them again. Never thought that this is possible but it just happened. Chatting for hours, smiling, giggling, laughing, etc (Expression that hard to describe). Of course, never forget to talk about the most shocking news. My friend about my age getting married this week. Wao~ she sure shocked us with that news. Anyway, wish her all the best on her marriage. It seems like so many things we would like to share but when we saw each other, we just kind of blank, is it too much to share until we not able to choose which one first?

I’m lost. Lost confident, lost direction, lost motivation, lost everything I used to think that I have. Nothing more left for me. Just like someone who is dead & left nothing even the body & soul. My attempt to improve myself is just like making everything worst. All of them, taking my confidents away from me abit & abit, day by day, week by weeks, year by years. Myself today compared to previously are getting more & more fragile. I hate this feeling. I hate this me. I don’t like this feelings. I’m not blaming anyone for these. I just hate myself because of myself. All these time, I’m trying to do my best to help you. Give up many things to support you all the way. But it end up that I am a burden for you. I messed up all your things. I’m blocking your way to success. Can anybody really use their heart & soul to understand me? Stand on my position? I felt disappointed. Not because I never tell but there is no one interested to listen. I’m wrong on sharing it. So empty inside of me. Being strong on the surface is really painful. Maybe I should just isolate myself….should I?

How many years has gone? I’m not quite sure because I’m bad on remembering dates but what I do remember is the moment that we have pass by together. Its been more than 10years I guess. Yesterday, I was thinking of you suddenly out of the blue while doing my assignment. Those memories keep on playing in my mind, dancing around my head, tears coming down from my eyes, etc. I have always question myself, Did I make a wrong decision at that moment? It is rumours because of jealousy? Is it I’m still immature to judge the situation? Should I put more confident on you? Too much of possibility I have thought of in these years. I know, the time has passed & it will not be the same even we meet again but I just wish to know. Thinking of it make me felt that I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I realize these that time? At that moment? I’m idiot to be manipulate by others. This moment when think calmly and logically, I felt that I was wrong. I should not follow what others said. I should make the decision after I find out the truth. At least, I should ask you face to face. If the result that came out is bad, I have to face it better than I need to wondering it for all these years! If I have no courage to face the answer, at least, I should wait till the time to come. I just deeply falls to you. No matter you felt the same way or not, it is not important because I just wanted to stay by your side. A bit more longer. After so many years, suddenly, I felt that I miss you so much. Wish to know where you are, what are you doing, how are you & do you still remember me? Thinking of you will remind me of those sweet & happy moment but in the same time…..

How do I define freak? Freak is someone with a strange attitude. Have you ever meet someone with a rich background with a stable career will going around to lend people’s money & never intend to return it back? Yes, maybe the rich background doesn’t means that it is your money but you are earning your own & you do not have huge burden like supporting your family. WTH is that attitude? I believe in you & this is what I get in return? Appreciating the friendship between us but WTF you giving me in return? You are just playing me like a fool! I am lending you my money & why the hell am I like begging you for months to return it? You used my IC to register a line but why the heck I need to beg you for months to ask you to change it back to your name? You are giving me zillion of reason & excuses to avoid the topic! Your car breaks down & you forgot to inform me? I reminded you many times even on the day we both have agreed. You have appointment people to fix your house’s door? Don’t tell me it will take whole day. Your brother’s wife gave birth. Ok, I still could accept this. You are stress & busy? Stress no need eat? Busy no need sleep? Don’t tell me you stay at the office because of you have many work to do. Why there are no others who have so much work as you? You are not the only capable one. From January till March 2009, 3months, you haven’t fulfill your promise to change back the line to your IC. What do you expect me to feel? I’m the IC owner but I’m the one begging you? Ok, at last, you say cut the line. You will pay your remaining bill the next day. I still believe you but I decided to cut the line myself. The day after tomorrow, means 2days later, I went to the center & WTF?? You still haven’t paid your damn bill & there is 3months bill in the outstanding!! What you told me? My brother’s wife have infection on gave birth wound & another brother was in the jail. Ok, it is serious but what can you do about it? You are doctor to cure her? You are lawyer/ police/ prime minister to release your brother? I was thinking that perhaps you are giving moral support by staying beside them. What a shock you told me, “I’m at home”. So what can you do at home? If you at home at weekend, why the f**k that you are not going out to pay you stupid damn bill as you promise again? I have no money left on me & I’m alone that time. The stupid Touch n go machine all damage and my wallet left few cents. Luckily my brother said he wanted to meet me half way. Add both of our money together I manage to buy my own ticket to return home. Wallet balance RM0.10. Ok, fine. I still trusted you because you said you will come to my place next day to return the outstanding money to me. Evening around 5-6pm still have no news from you, I messaged you. You told me that you will bank in to me before 10pm. At 10.30pm, I checked my account. Nothing. WTH that I’m still getting excuses from you? Traffic jam at federal highway. 12.20am, machine closed. I’m really burn up! Ask you to settle by now! But again you say tomorrow. Again before 10am at my uni. I said “No” because you surely will say you busy or what rubbish excuses I always hear again! You say You MC also will return back to me by tomorrow before 10am. Again tricked, 10.15am only you get out from your house. Reached by 10.40am & my lecturer are telling us what are the requirements on our final exam. You are rushing me out like hell & told me you are rushing to another destination!!!!! See? I told you! Ok, fine again, I went out for god sake you rushing me out like I owe you money! WTFFFFF again? You are not returning full amount after all? You even still owing me money besides this bill’s money & I told you zillion times about it but you just ignore it. I have no income like you! I will die without cash & you have credit card to survive longer. Wait again. 3days. on that day, I don’t care already. Totally give up on our friendship because I’m fool to play by you again. What? You tell me tomorrow again? Ok, give up. Next day, I remind you from afternoon till night. At last, you again give me rubbish talk say you ask people help you transfer money to me but in the fact I have been asking you to do that in the whole day. Fine. Guess what? You are not giving me full amount again. Ok, I will pretend that I have wasted my money, time, trust and everything. I just dropped the balance. Even the remaining balance you owe me on other cases that you ignored, I just dropped it. Already drop in the sea. This money has taught me a lesson. Shown how stupid am I to believe someone. Shown to me that, trusting a friendship is wrong. I don’t know what to believe and who should I trust anymore. Am I stupid or totally idiot?

Not enough sleep straight for a week. I have to start my classes on the third day of CNY. The most suffering thing is knowing that I’m going to attend a ‘Doctor’ class, it is mentally torturing me. I do not wish to be scolded as a stupid or no brain, so need to be hardworking even it is CNY. This year is lack of New Year fever as I couldn’t celebrate it because my grandpa just passed away, in the same time, fearing to be curse or scold by the lecturer, I just have to ignore the celebration. Forgot which day but it is in the New Year week, I almost had car accident because of my tiredness. My friend come out with a sudden plan to have a trip to Malacca. Maybe this is a way to release some stress so I have agree to join. After my last class on Friday, I waited nearly 2hours alone at my Uni like a crazy women then only my friend reach to fetch me. We directly headed to Malacca without any delay. Lack of mood, we reached the detination. Taking a quick bath and going out for the night activites. Unexpectedly, we are going to club tonight. First time clubing at Malacca. Well anyway, I’m not a ‘kaki’ for clubing so I’m just following. The first location was Arena. They are having live over there. Some Beyond’s fans? They had sing alots of Beyond’s golden song. At first I was exicited because I thought my classmate will join me later. Too bad, at last, they aeroplaned me. It looks like there were some fighting over there at the moment we are going to another location. Around half an hour, the problem is considered settle and we headed to another place named Aloha. I’m started to have stars dancing on my head because I’m really tired. Not because of the alcohol, I just wanted to sleep. But this place have a really strong air-cond, make me freezing and could not sleep. Nothing special here. Later, my friend having gastric so we go to have a quick ‘breakfast’ at a mamak. If not mistaken, it is 6.40am when we reach home(friend’s friend’s house). Drop dead on the bed around 7am. The next day, couldn’t sleep well at other people’s house, I wake up around 10am but I tried my best to sleep longer till 12pm. I walked out from the room and saw somebody I didn’t know. Actually, can’t see the face at all because I haven’t wear my contact but I just greeted then have a small chat with someone I just know from yesterday. Later I went to bath. It is time to have lunch. This is the first time to have the fishball alike rice. Then having drink almost the wholeday, continue with shopping at Pahlawan, following by the very important to-do-list, ’satay lok lok’ they called. Overall, it is nice. Finally, we are heading home around 11pm. Safely arrive home around 1am. Even super tired, I missed my hubby. So, I on my PC awhile. Check some important emails, go bath and the climax of the day…..go sleep. The next day, annoying sound makes me awake even I’m tired to dead. See? How powerfull is the children’s voice? The stupid ‘adult’ so called ‘mother’ don’t even bother her child. Just continue watching TV. WTF?? Until the afternoon, cannot delay anymore, I have to start to have wars with my assignment. Hate noise! Hate proposal! Hate! Who is the so called ‘genius’ who created assignment or proposal?

Oopss…I did it again. Going out alot in this few days. I need somebody to rescue me from this annoying and stressing place so called “home”. Is this my house? No, it is not. The answer is …this is your home and I’m not even a part of it. Thanks for reminding me. Although I’m not that kind of people who loves crowded places but that’s it! I’m gonna out of here, QUICK! It is quite miserable to celebrate new year moment in a traffic jam but it is so much better than I’m staying at home and controlling myself so that I’m not going to burst. Em…nothing special, just have a drink and chit chat abit. On Friday, too noisy at my house, AGAIN, so it is an excuse for me to get out of here when friend invites. This time we went to Wabisabi at TTDI. Even I don’t know any of them except one, still I’m going out. Different from usual, this time I’m able to talk crap to those who I just meet them for the first time. Maybe drunk before drink? Yes of course I AM talkative type but not to those I just meet. Just don’t know why…I was thinking to stay overnight at my friend’s place. When I seriously think about that…maybe I should well prepared before I intend to do that because my dad is going to KILL me (even my friend is a girl and stay alone)…haiz…I know, he worried…But sometimes, things will happen even you have did your best to protect yourself. You will never know that what will happen next. Perhaps I will be dead by tomorrow?

It is Sunday. Suppose to be a relaxing day. Some how I need to get rid of those lazy bugs that sticking around on me. At first, I was getting some nice innocent scolding from my dad when I was going out to meet up my old friends. He was being sturborn and shouting to me infront of my brother’s friend. You think it is cool? Oh please, you just humiliating yourself. Fine, so now I’m out of my house, then I should enjoy myself today. Never thought that this reunion will be successful due to some history of having some activities with them. I’m glad, it goes smoothly since the people are showing up themselves later. We started it on the Nandos, Mid Valley. Getting to know how and what each other are doing, it was unexpectedly fun. Doing crazy things and celebrating our dear member’s birthday, it is really suprising her. I would never thought that we will meet again after graduating from form 6. I’m enjoy mixing up with different kinds of people. Maybe this is the reason I continue my study for Public Relations. After having a huge dinner, we have decided to go on to the next destination which is Telawi Street Bistro. Wao~ This is the first time I go to the bistro at Bangsar area. Taking pictures, chit chating again and somebody even dancing. Nice body shape of her..hehe..oh ya, never forget the cocktails. It is nice too. Oopss, I can’t drink much but I like to drink. The night is too short for me and I wish it can stay longer. It is so much of stress over these few years and I’m trying hard to endure it. Today, it just nice that I have attended this reunion. It was fun. I’ll try my best to keep myself happy. I hope I will. Will I?

I wish I could love myself a bit more. It is better to regret that I never talk to them than regret that I never fight with them. Keep on depressing myself better than let it out, if I let it out means I’ll be the Devil. It is better to turn to a crazy women better than be a normal one who will express their anger. I have nothing to care. The only one I truly have is myself. Trying hard to convince myself this world is good, life is very beautiful. Advise others to appreciate lifes but inside my heart I just couldn’t help to hate it so much! Too much of stress I keep in my heart. But even only a little I show it out, I’m still the bad one. I’m still considered an immatured child. Actually who is truly being immature here? A mother of three child that will run back to her mom to complaint about her sister being angry and annoyed with her stupid attitude? or a sister that couldn’t stand of the stupid attitude for so many times but just out of little control for once? I’m sick of it! Sick of complaining. Lazy to defense myself. I know the truth, she make the small deal like a big one. Deceive the truth but I hate to defense myself any more. Just let me be the bad one. I don’t care about being the evil. Yes, she is that so called “kindhearted” person but I’m the evil witch that bully her kindness. Make me felt like vomitting while thinking about it. WTF? My existence have no meaning. I wish I could just dead as they wish. I will not block their way any more. It will run smoothly with or without me. I’m truly trying really hard to find a reason for me to be alive. If I could loss control for a bit longer that night, I should be dead by now. Who cares?